


I Pity You, I Pity Me, I Pity You

by enjolraspermittedit



Series: refresh [6]
Category: Octet - Malloy
Genre: Addiction, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Loneliness, References to Depression, Touch-Starved, ed is also implied to have mistreated people in the past but he's working on himself!, justice for ed! he's not some lowlife incel!, oh boy lmao this one is sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 02:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19220038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enjolraspermittedit/pseuds/enjolraspermittedit
Summary: Ed's done some bad things in his past due to his addiction and loneliness, and still does some bad things. But he's working through it.





	I Pity You, I Pity Me, I Pity You

Ed was the most miserable man that one could imagine. No friends, no family, no romantic partner. He _got it,_ though. He didn't like himself all that much either, and he was sure that the rest of the Friends Of Saul felt the same. He certainly didn't talk to them much outside of the meetings. Sometimes he texted Karly, but that was about it. Their conversation had started as an apology, because when he first started to attend the meetings, he was disturbingly similar to the hateful misogynists that had hurt Karly in the past. Although he didn't know her before the meeting, he knew women like her, and she knew men like him. So afterwards he'd rushed over to talk to her and ask how he could change, heart full of regret. She didn't respond at first, then harshly told him to figure it out himself.

And so he tried, and so he was working on it, and so he was better - but just because he was a _better_ person didn't mean he was a _happier_ person.

He'd been attending the meetings for a few months now, and Karly had warmed up to him in that time. He didn't like opening up much, generally, so as he spoke during that night's meeting he tried to pretend it was a one-on-one conversation with Karly, rather than him talking to seven people at once. He felt embarrassed and ashamed admitting what had happened to him the day before. It had been everything and nothing - someone had touched his back while checking out at the store. 

It was the first time he could remember being touched so tenderly, except for maybe Paula's handshake during his first meeting. His family treated him the way no one should ever be treated, so then he started to treat his friends and at-the-time girlfriend the way no one should be treated. And he immediately regretted it. He went to therapy - not the Friends Of Saul, stuff to help with his anger. The good news is, he never laid a finger on anyone after that. The bad news is, he never laid a finger on anyone after that.

Even then, no one quite liked him. He was too awkward and miserable and he isolated himself too much. He'd neglect the friends or partners he did manage to meet - not out of any cold intent. Never again. He just... _couldn't do it_. It took too much effort. But he craved physical and emotional contact _so much_. He tried to search the internet to find people in similar situations, but the pull to the incel threads brought him dangerously close to his old habits.

So he searched the internet for something else.

The thing is, no one has much sympathy for porn addicts. Well, no one has much sympathy for addicts in general, but chronic porn users really get the shortest end of the stick. The Friends Of Saul were the first people he'd ever told about it, and of course they were all fine with it, but would anyone outside of the group be so understanding? No. Of course not.

Ed hated it. Hated himself, hated society, hated the way he was treated. He remembered that Karly had mentioned hating the behavior but loving the feeling, and he _got_ that. He'd grown to hate pornography as a concept, and yet...

He hated what the whole thing had done to him and the rest of society. Young children being exposed to things that no one of any age should be exposed to. More people hating and objectifying women than ever before, and of course Ed couldn't exclude himself from that statistic. (And he was disgusted by the others, the ones who didn't even try to change themselves like he did.)

And Ed supported sex and sex-workers and the sex-positivity movement, because of course he did! But there had to be a grey area, right? Where was the grey area? This wasn't it. Ed wasn't in the grey area, he was in the darkest of the black area, and he wasn't sure if he would ever see the white light again.

He hadn't had a proper relationship ever, and he wasn't even sure if he could now. Who was to blame for that? Himself? His ex-partners? His addiction? The world? All of the above? Ed wasn't sure, but he felt like _death._ But he wasn't, not quite. He was stuck in a limbo between life and death, fantasy and reality, monstrosity and humanity.

He needed out. Out of this cycle, out of this mindset, out. Was any of that even possible anymore? Or was it too late? He knew he couldn't automatically change. He'd have to work on it himself. Maybe after the meeting he could talk to someone, ask if they wanted to hang out afterwards. He'd surely be told no, but it was worth the effort, right? At least he could say that he tried.

Tried. Always trying. Was it enough? Was he enough?

The answer to that was to be determined, Ed decided.

**Author's Note:**

> I love Ed so much! Also Adam Bashian, who plays him. He follows me on Instagram, which is pretty cool B)  
> Title is from "Pierre" in The Great Comet, another amazing Dave Malloy musical!  
> tumblr - 8tet  
> twitter - ButchHades  
> instagram - ThisBrightStar


End file.
